Number-land

Dear Diary,

Today was my day off, so have spent it being incredibly productive - by which I mean tidying the whole house, getting totally organised (I have a whole 3 hours to myself before bed and am spending it blogging, reading and writing - as opposed to preparing lunch, choosing work clothes and grabbing a shower) and making a much-needed trip to the gym. Completely horrified to realise that with everything getting in the way, it had actually been a WEEK since Joel and I last went. It was pretty damned hard getting back into it - especially since my favourite cross-trainer (the one with the best view, the most comprehensive on-screen options, and a working heart-rate monitor) was nabbed by the same Iranian guy who always seems to get in there, RIGHT as I'm about to go on. But still managed my 10k on the bike, and burnt off a total of 300 calories, so not all bad news!

I'm still completely spurred on by my 2 pound loss yesterday - not to mention two other things I discovered yesterday:

ONE being this utterly horrendous photo, taken months and months ago on the night Mum won her "Woman of the Year" award:

As you can see, it was taken completely without my knowledge. This is the first photo I've ever seen of myself where I'm not posing, smiling or looking directly at the camera - but worse than that, it's the first photo that has truly shown me what I look like. When caught in an unguarded moment, I look like THAT, and I didn't like what I saw. Mum showed it to me to prove how far I'd come and how different I look now. I'll say - still can't even believe it's me! I can't believe my CHIN was that bad (or a "separate entity" as Louise called it!) or how big my arms were. No wonder I always wear long-sleeved tops.

I feel sick everytime I see that photo, and am determined soon to do an underwear-shot of me "before and after," as it were. Obviously I should have done this right at the beginning of my Slimming journey, but at least I can start somewhere, I guess.

TWO being the mathematical side of Slimming World. Now, I'm the first to admit, I don't remotely have a maths brain. I had to re-take my GCSE 3 times just to get a C-grade - and I'm more interested in arts and writing anyway. But when I took the time to look at the maths side of things, slimming-wise...... it REALLY made my ears prick up.
Discovered this the other day, when frantically trying to convert stones and pounds into kilograms for the cross-trainer at the gym, when it asks what weight you are. Found an absolutely BRILLIANT page called FatFranks which basically gives you all the metric knowledge you need for losing weight.

THEN I also found a brilliant App called the "Pound Loss Calculator" (look for the black percentage sign in the red box, if you're thinking about downloading it) which calculates exactly how much of your body weight you've lost (an excellent one if you're approaching your Club 10!)
So without further ado, here are my Mathematical Slimming Facts so far:

STARTING WEIGHT: 17st 5lbs
STARTING WEIGHT IN KGS: 110.2kgs
STARTING WEIGHT IN LBS: 243lbs
STARTING BMI: 35.9

CURRENT WEIGHT: 16st 1lb
CURRENT WEIGHT IN KGS: 102.1kgs
CURRENT WEIGHT IN LBS: 225lbs
CURRENT BMI: 33.2

WEIGHT LOST: 1st 4lbs
KILOGRAMS LOST: 8.1kg
POUNDS LOST: 18lbs
PERCENTAGE OF BODY WEIGHT LOST: 7.4%
BMI DECREASE: 2.7

So the bad news is, even afrer losing a stone and 4 pounds, I'm still classed as Obese.
The good news? Well frankly, there doesn't seem to be any.

OK, so I'm not in as much dire straits as I was. I've got to at least be healthier than I was before, however marginally. But this is a blow, I won't lie. I've never really looked into BMI before, and my god, am I starting to regret it. Even with the weight I've lost, and the sense of achievement that comes with it, I feel like I've finally - FINALLY conquered Everest..... only to look over the top and see Kilimanjaro lurking behind it. OK, so that may be a little dramatic (not to mention geographically incorrect) but that's how it feels. It took me nigh-on a YEAR to simply lose 1 stone, and after all that effort, I've still got a Lord of the Rings-esque journey to make. A quick check on the NHS BMI App reveals that a girl my age and height has to be 14st 7lbs before she can even TOUCH the Overweight-Obese line. So even after I've dropped a whopping 3 STONE and weigh the least I have in years, I will still be NHS-classable as Overweight.

F**K.

xxxxxx

Pre-Easter losses

Dear Diary,

LOSS: 2 POUNDS

Wooooooooo!! Yet ANOTHER weeks loss, making it my 3rd in a row! Can't remember going this long without some kind of GAIN before, but whatever it is I'm doing, it must be right! And even more thrilling - this now brings me within 3 pounds of my stone-and-a-half! Can't wait to hit that next big target - been bobbing around a Stone for way too long now, so it'll feel good to get my ass in gear!

Slightly surprised though, to be honest. Thursday, Friday and Saturday weren't too great this week - being that on Thursday (payday!) I went out and basically drank ALL the alcohol in Manchester. Then on Friday, to quell the hangover, Joel and I ordered Domino's - with a HOT DOG STUFFED CRUST. I mean, SERIOUSLY!! But I won't lie - it tasted like a thousand angels had wept on me, and was totally worth it.

Joan said something at Group tonight, actually, that summed up my week very succinctly. Whilst holding up a vase of Easter daffodils, she proceeded to take a single one out. She then asked if - once the bad daffodil had been removed - the overall vase of flowers was ruined at all? Which of course, it wasn't. She did the same with a 2nd one - and the answer was still no. The point being, if you have 2 really bad days that are subsequently surrounded by 5 excellent ones - they cancel each other out until all you remember are the good. Definitely a great message!

So yeah, I'm thrilled about my 2lb loss this week - even if it almost feel like I've cheated the odds a little, after Thursday. But I'm now only 3lb off my next target, my Easter Egg sticker has moved further up the Ladder to Success chart (I'm now 1st place!!) and I won a vanilla-and-biscuit-scented candle in an Egg and Spoon race at Group tonight. Louise and Alex have both lost again, and I've got a day off work tomorrow.

So all in all, everything's comin' up Milhouse!
xxxxxx

Long overdue catch-up.... again!

Dear Diary,

Once again, I've neglected you for way too long. But since Joel and I became regular gym bunnies, I've been far too busy in the evenings to fill out a blog - not to mention making healthy slimming teas! But Joel has been magnificent in the healthy tea department, constantly encouraging me to eat more vegetables with our meals, and pressing me to eat fruit during the day. If it wasn't for him, quite frankly, I'd probably have sunk further back into my old ways by now - but now our trolley always contains at least 1/4 of green contents, and every tea we cook has at LEAST one portion of veg.

Truly, my habits have changed remarkably in the last month or so. I found myself gaining about 7 pounds and then losing it all again. Having sunk into a bit of a "can't be arsed" attitude lately - I re-read my entire SW book again and got back to basics. I started filling in my Food Diary every day, as opposed to forgetting by Wednesday, I planned my meals and stopped spending money in the staff canteen. Any SW meals I made at night, I'd take the leftovers to work, for lunch. Every time we didn't have leftovers, I'd take a veritable feast of snacks instead - apple, Hi Fi bars, Baby Bel (lites), tiny "Whirly" bars, 4-syn packets of French Fries..... and for lunch, a Mugshot, ham-and-extra-lite-mayo-on-wholemeal-bread sandwich, and a tin of mackerel in tomato sauce (a recently acquired favourite!).

Louise and Alex are still doing brilliantly - Louise has hit her 2 stone and Alex is a mere pound off her Club 10 target, so have decided to nab some spare certificates off Joan and post them to London as a surprise! Sadly my next target is still miles away - I have 5 pounds still to go before I hit my stone-and-a-half..... and half a stone to go before I hit my Club 10. Oh well!

The next few weeks at Group should be interesting, too. We've got a party/Taster evening tomorrow night, and the week after we're drawing the Free Raffle and awarding the person highest on the Easter-themed "Ladder to Success" chart we have, that maps the biggest weight loss in Feb/March (I'm currently 2nd!)
Not to mention the gym. Joel and I have been going now for 8 solid weeks, earning me not only a bronze, silver, but also a GOLD award for Body Magic, which is just BRILLIANT:

Being publicly acknowledged for exercising is pretty great, to be honest. I no longer feel so lazy and lethargic all the time, and I keep trying to better myself every time I go. I won't go into details of times, levels, records and weights (as it then just becomes boring), but I can feel myself improving loads. More than anything, it makes me realise just how little I was actually doing when I went to the gym about 4 years ago. I never left aching and sweating like I do now. I used to merely try lifting weights and such - but since a gym-bunny friend from work told me how to PROPERLY use a gym, I've improved my regime in spades. He told me I didn't need to focus on weight-lifting, as that was only made to tone my muscles. What I REALLY needed to do was focus on shifting excess weight first, and then think about toning later - which makes sense, of course.

So now, instead of lifting weights etc.... I split my time between the cross-trainer, the treadmill and the bike. I can't run on the treadmill at all, thanks to my huge..... "tracts of land," and lack of a decent gym bra, so I just start off with a gentle 10-minute walk to warm up - followed by 15 minutes on the cross-trainer (during which I stare out at the vast car park and devise mathematical mini-quizzes to distract me, eg: how many red cars are there, how many walking people are there, how many times can you spot the letter "A"? etc... etc...), followed by 15 minutes spent alternately on the arm-weights, thigh-presses and leg-flexes (I don't know official names) and ended with 20 minutes on the bikes - Level 1, 10km in total every time. I've got into a routine now, where I can cycle 1km in 1:45 minutes, so frantically doing mental maths trying to figure out when my next kilometre is due really takes my mind off the pain! And there's a song I listen to over the last 5 minutes, when my entire body is desperately ready to give up and I just need one final push: "Don't think," by the Chemical Brothers.

Being able to listen to such mindless, pounding, relentless beats somehow really really helps - and it's great for just burning your brain out, ignoring the aching legs, and screaming the frustrations of the day out in your head. Good times!

xxxxx

Valentine's Day

Dear Diary,

The last few weeks have been kinda funny. Put 3 and a half pounds on, which I immediately lost again. But still relentlessly going to the gym, helped along by Joel, who quite frankly keeps me going there - if it wasn't for him I'd have probably got bored of it by now, the way I do with everything.

This even applies to Slimming World. Recently I've become quite disillusioned with it all - getting bored and not sticking to the diet. Neglecting my food diary, and slightly steering towards junk food again. Need to get my arse back into gear - Louise and Alex are steaming WAY ahead of me down in London and I'm fed up of tagging along, bringing up the rear, having lost the least weight despite having been doing SW the longest.

Valentine's Day was nice, though. We're trying to save money at the moment, so Joel cooked a delicious Ham shank with a home-made potato salad (with light mayo!) and 4-syn champagne:

 

 

Xxxxxx

Results!

Dear Diary,

GODDAMN, I love the gym.

Got back tonight from our first ever session and OH MY GOD. I loved every last, breathless, sweaty, exhausting moment of it! I used to sneer at people who said they loved the gym, or look at them with contempt, I'm ashamed to say. But it's like sex - first you're afraid of it, then you try it, hate it, and then the endorphins kick in afterwards, making it wonderful (although that may have just been my experience! I'm sure no-one else was actually ever SCARED of sex)

The machines I enjoy the most are definitely the leg press, the arm-rasiser thing, the one where you spread your legs and work out your thighs, and the bikes. I think I'm best at the ones where you work the biceps, as I always had very good upper-body strength. As for the rest, well, first I need to actually remember the names and their functions before naming any on here - but suffice to say I had a wicked time.

For the first time EVER in any form of exercise, I well and truly realised what I was there for - and pushed myself harder than ever. For once I didn't care what Joel, or any of the other gym-goers thought. I sweated, I gasped, I avoided my reflection and played my music loud enough to block out any "Oh my god, I look so FAT!!!" thoughts. Actually, I found that playing music really focused my thoughts, and helped me keep in time with the machine rhythms I'd set myself, which definately helped!

The pool was absolutely heaven, too - definitely a chance to cool off, slow my heart rate and enjoy myself whilst leisurely drifting along to Smooth FM, which apparently, you can't turn off in that building. Was a little worried about my tattoo - but got told by another member (being that 95% of them are inked themselves) that a mere 2 hours a week's exposure to chlorine shouldn't harm it, as long as I shower afterwards. So that's good news!

Seriously though - afterwards I was practically floating home on a wave of natural endorphins. I felt incredible - I'd always thought that endorphins were something that the companies made up to encourage you to eat more chocolate, or use their gyms. But it would seem they're real! It felt amazing to get such a rush from something I once dreaded, and I felt tons better. The day's aches, pains and frustrations from work were all pounded and hammered and expelled through every last drop of sweat. For once, I didn't feel self-concious, but simply glorified in every single stinking, breathless, gross, sweaty moment.

Can't wait to go again and get more Body Magic under my belt! Who'd have thought I'd be looking forward to EXERCISING? Now I know Slimming World has me in their grip!

Gym bunnies

Dear Diary,

Today, Joel and I made the best decision of our lives. We are going to join a gym.

Now, to anyone reading this, it probably isn't that big news. Hell, maybe you already go to a gym, and are merely sat there thinking; "Welcome to the party, pal." But it's a big deal for me. I tried a gym about 4 years ago, before I met Joel, back when I lived at home. But I never seemed to lose any weight, or even ache too much the next day - clearly I was going about it all wrong.

This evening, we had an induction at the gym up the road - conviniently located next to a Macdonalds, a chippy, a Greggs and a Subway, just to make things harder! But they have an offer on where if you join before February (as part of a New Year deal) - it's only £20 a month to use the gym AND THE POOL!! Could a better gym EXIST?!

Ecstatically, we were shown around said gym and pool, shown all the equipment and their functions. Must say, the space at the back of the gym looking slightly scary - huge, tattooed, heavily-muscled men in vests who look like they could bench ME, working out prison yard-style and shouting threats/encouragement at each other. But it was nice to see other overweight women there, and I couldn't help but feel proud of myself for taking such a big step towards improvement.

I'd dying to start. We're out tomorrow night, so we're going to have to wait until Thursday to start, but I'm already buzzing about trying all the equipment and making regimes/timetables for myself.

xxxxxx

Post-Christmas blues

Dear Diary,

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Over Christmas we lost a family member (my Auntie's partner, David) to throat cancer, which frankly made me forget all about the diet, and all about Slimming World. I cried a lot, drank heavily at the wake, and re-emerged myself in junk food once more - telling myself that some 26 year-old overweight girl was completely meaningless against the devastating pain of losing a loved one. My weight problems seemed completely insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I didn't see any point in continuing. I was alive, and healthy, and felt like I had nothing to complain about, really.

But then I thought about it more. Yes, I'm alive, but that doesn't mean I should spend the rest of my days unhappy with myself. And while I may be healthy "on the surface," I knew deep down that inside, I'm not healthy at all. Just because I've never had a blood test doesn't mean I probably don't have hig pressure. Just because I've never asked the doctor doesn't mean I probably don't have high cholesterol. Me burying my head in the sand didn't mean that I probably don't have problems that really should be dealt with. So I decided that I owe it to myself and get healthy and happy. Life is WAY too short sometimes, and I wanted to spend it the right size, shape and weight for me.

David's situation gave me a new outlook on things. He's made me appreciate Life much more, and made me want to better myself, and be the best person I can be, while I'm here.
So I did more things I wanted to do, and changed my habits to become more productive, creative and organised. I got my first ever tattoo - one I've been wanting for ages, but with a slight change to the design: it included a Charlie Chaplin quote I'd read at David's funeral, as part of a eulogy.

 



I also started using a diary (one of his, actually) to become more organised. I go out a lot more and make an effort to see my friends more often. Joel and I are going to join a gym next week. And I've put loads more time and hard work into the book I'm working on.
And best of all - I've got back into Slimming World.

This week I lost 1 POUND, not much, I know, but I'll take anything I can get now, as long as it's off. Because now I know how short life is, I'd going to dedicate it to making myself feel good, making my parents proud, and achieving my dream through utter determination.


xxxxxxxx

Dedicated to the memory of David Arthur Girdlestone,

one of the funniest men I've ever known