Hearing about my exercise regime EVERY DAY must surely get a little boring. So tonight, I thought I'd mix it up a little, and present - for your entertainment (or just mild amusement) - A Compendium of Harpurhey Swimmers. Just a little compilation of the type of people who frequent our gym's humble pool!
(PS: Sorry if it's a drag to read about, but any mention of tattoos is partly because of my new obsession, but partly because they really do tell you a lot about people. And also 98% of the population of Harpurhey is tattooed, to be fair.)
A COMPENDIUM OF HARPURHEY SWIMMERS
THE MIDDLE-AGED SINGLE MUMS
The most common-or-garden resident of Harpurhey, the Middle-Aged Single Mum will usually stop by at the pool twice a week, and constantly justify it with the line "I'm watching my figure.... cos no-one else will! (*forced laugh*)" Sherlock Holmes could deduce these women in seconds - throwaway comments like the above, tattoos as mentioned below, the lack of wedding ring, and the casual mention of her kids about 3/4 of the way into a conversation with the nearest man.
Swimming Style: Will do one or two lengths to show willing, but eventually give up and sit in the shallow end for 45 minutes, chatting and pretending they're cooling down from a previous gym session.
Most likely to talk to: Mutual acquaintances from the pub (always men).
Tattoos: Their kid's name(s) in Script on their arms, a very old, faded butterfly or flower on their upper arm, and at least one uplifting quote that alludes to them becoming stronger after a break-up.
THE BIKINI TWEENS
Not to mince words, but there is absolutely NO reason for these girls to be here. They barely swim (and if they do, it's four abreast - in the Medium lane where people are trying to actually get AROUND them constantly), they DOUSE themselves in perfume and keep full make-up on. To come to a pool. Just let that sink in for a moment. They spend about a minute and a half dipping their pedicured toes into the water and squealing (this is in a pool heated to 33 degrees), before sitting endlessly in the shallow end and flirting with the Pervs, being persuaded to join them in the sauna in an attempt to grope each other under the water. They constantly and gigglingly say no, claiming it's because "I respect myself!" But you just KNOW they're going to do it anyway.
Swimming Style: Oh, they don't swim. Not at all. It would get their hair wet!
Most likely to talk to: Each other, about the most banal, un-utterably boring things imaginable. Or the Pervs. Most likely to get the attention and have a little giggle, but then wonder why the Pervs keep staring at their chests. In a low-cut BIKINI?! It's a mystery, truly it is.
Tattoos: Either a pretty butterfly on the shoulder/hip, or a really obvious word like "SERENITY" scrawled across the lower back (Yep, tramp stamp. You guessed it!)
THE PERVS
Usually 19-15 year-old boys/men who drop into the pool for about 20 minutes, purely to gawp at the Bikini Tweens, chat them up and attempt to invite them into the Sauna. Usually have very good physiques, which they will "accidentally" contort into very-obviously-showing-off positions every now and then, just to show how much they've been working out.
Swimming Style: Will only do about 5 lengths to show off their mad skillz, before conveniently and "accidentally" ending up dawdling wherever the Bikini Tweens are having their latest conversation.
Most likely to talk to: The Bikini Tweens, duh. They're in with a chance of pulling! Either that, or the Middle-Aged Single Mums who embarrassingly stop them to chat about their own mothers.
Tattoos: Either a "hilarious" camel on their toe, "ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME" across their chest, or some douchy Latin quote that signifies them either being "totally religious," or hard as balls - usually as a result of Army training. Even if they're not in the Army, and never have been.
THE FOREIGN GUYS
What it says on the tin. A group of men who don't speak English, are WAY too tanned to be feasible in the North West, and wearing trunks the size of which no Englishman would ever even CONTEMPLATE.
Swimming Style: The odd few lengths here and there (swimming in twos to make it more awkward for the rest of us), before stopping dead in the middle of one lane to simply STAND there, chatting. Bang in the middle of EVERYONE trying to swim around them. An explanation is never given.
Most likely to talk to: Each other, and nobody else. In their own language.
Tattoos: Something (you will never know what) written in some language (you will never know) down the forearm. Possibly gang symbols, possibly just names. Who knows?
THE REALLY BAD SWIMMERS
These men (it's always men. Always.) usually swim on their own. Except "swimming" is the loosest term possibly - these men thrash up and down like epileptic otters, take about 25 minutes to complete 1 length, and constantly provoke worried looks from passing swimmers and lifeguards...... given that they look like they are about to drown at any given second. And they are always bald.
Swimming Style: Best described as "backstroke combined with child trying to ward off a hornet attack," or "doggy paddle with at least 16 extra kicks per second."
Most likely to talk to: Absolutely nobody. Apart from the person who will one day grab their wrist to save them from drowning.
Tattoos: None. These people shouldn't even leave the house. And probably don't, apart from to come "swimming."
THE OLD GUYS
These men do actually swim, (in the Slow lane) but chatting to each other all the way. About friends from the pub, something their friend said in the pub, a football match they watched in the pub last week, or the new barmaid in the pub. In short, they may be the nicest people in the world, but their conversations make you want to cut your own ears off.
Swimming Style: Unlike 85% of the people in the pool, these actually attempt to exercise. They do laps with the fitness of military men gone to seed, but dammit they still try.
Most likely to talk to: Each other. Or the Middle-Aged Single Mums, to catch up with them about mutual acquaintances.
Tattoos: Several EXTREMELY faded words/pictures that are so blurred, they essentially just resemble grey smears - being that they were acquired circa 1942.
THE MODERATE EXERCISERS
Featuring yours truly! These swimmers are here for the Long Haul. Constantly despairing about the small capacity of the pool (and the idiots who barely even USE it), longing for more room to REALLY let fly, and compiling lists like these in their heads to pass the time.
Swimming Style: Relentlessly back and forth, varying strokes, desperate to reach a pre-determined goal (50 laps in 1 hour). Will stop for a break every 10 laps, feel absolutely fantastic for being there, and will only leave the pool when physically dragged out by impatient other half.
Most likely to talk to: Each other, if only to complain about the packed capacity of the pool, or congratulate each other on laps done/records beaten.
Tattoos: Given that I only have myself in this category to take examples from, I may have to come back to you on this one.
THE HARDCORES
There's hardly a description for these types, as they swim so damn fast, you can barely even SEE them. These men/women (you never can tell) are here on BUSINESS, they stick to the Fast Lane for the entire session and there isn't a single thing that will stop them from thrashing out about 100 lengths in the space of an hour. And they would still worry that they hadn't beaten their record.
Swimming Style: Olympic. End of.
Most likely to talk to: Absolutely nobody. Because talking would disturb their rhythm, brah.
Tattoos: Do they actually have any? Nobody knows. They swim too fast.
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