A Compendium of Harpurhey Swimmers

Dear Diary,

Hearing about my exercise regime EVERY DAY must surely get a little boring. So tonight, I thought I'd mix it up a little, and present - for your entertainment (or just mild amusement) - A Compendium of Harpurhey Swimmers. Just a little compilation of the type of people who frequent our gym's humble pool!

(PS: Sorry if it's a drag to read about, but any mention of tattoos is partly because of my new obsession, but partly because they really do tell you a lot about people. And also 98% of the population of Harpurhey is tattooed, to be fair.)

A COMPENDIUM OF HARPURHEY SWIMMERS

 

  

THE MIDDLE-AGED SINGLE MUMS

 

The most common-or-garden resident of Harpurhey, the Middle-Aged Single Mum will usually stop by at the pool twice a week, and constantly justify it with the line "I'm watching my figure.... cos no-one else will! (*forced laugh*)" Sherlock Holmes could deduce these women in seconds - throwaway comments like the above, tattoos as mentioned below, the lack of wedding ring, and the casual mention of her kids about 3/4 of the way into a conversation with the nearest man.

 

Swimming Style: Will do one or two lengths to show willing, but eventually give up and sit in the shallow end for 45 minutes, chatting and pretending they're cooling down from a previous gym session.

 

Most likely to talk to: Mutual acquaintances from the pub (always men).

 

Tattoos: Their kid's name(s) in Script on their arms, a very old, faded butterfly or flower on their upper arm, and at least one uplifting quote that alludes to them becoming stronger after a break-up.

 

THE BIKINI TWEENS

 

Not to mince words, but there is absolutely NO reason for these girls to be here. They barely swim (and if they do, it's four abreast - in the Medium lane where people are trying to actually get AROUND them constantly), they DOUSE themselves in perfume and keep full make-up on. To come to a pool. Just let that sink in for a moment. They spend about a minute and a half dipping their pedicured toes into the water and squealing (this is in a pool heated to 33 degrees), before sitting endlessly in the shallow end and flirting with the Pervs, being persuaded to join them in the sauna in an attempt to grope each other under the water. They constantly and gigglingly say no, claiming it's because "I respect myself!" But you just KNOW they're going to do it anyway.

 

Swimming Style: Oh, they don't swim. Not at all. It would get their hair wet!

 

Most likely to talk to: Each other, about the most banal, un-utterably boring things imaginable. Or the Pervs. Most likely to get the attention and have a little giggle, but then wonder why the Pervs keep staring at their chests. In a low-cut BIKINI?! It's a mystery, truly it is.

 

Tattoos: Either a pretty butterfly on the shoulder/hip, or a really obvious word like "SERENITY" scrawled across the lower back (Yep, tramp stamp. You guessed it!)

 

THE PERVS

 

Usually 19-15 year-old boys/men who drop into the pool for about 20 minutes, purely to gawp at the Bikini Tweens, chat them up and attempt to invite them into the Sauna. Usually have very good physiques, which they will "accidentally" contort into very-obviously-showing-off positions every now and then, just to show how much they've been working out.

 

Swimming Style: Will only do about 5 lengths to show off their mad skillz, before conveniently and "accidentally" ending up dawdling wherever the Bikini Tweens are having their latest conversation.

 

Most likely to talk to: The Bikini Tweens, duh. They're in with a chance of pulling! Either that, or the Middle-Aged Single Mums who embarrassingly stop them to chat about their own mothers.  

 

Tattoos: Either a "hilarious" camel on their toe, "ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME" across their chest, or some douchy Latin quote that signifies them either being "totally religious," or hard as balls - usually as a result of Army training. Even if they're not in the Army, and never have been.

 

THE FOREIGN GUYS

 

What it says on the tin. A group of men who don't speak English, are WAY too tanned to be feasible in the North West, and wearing trunks the size of which no Englishman would ever even CONTEMPLATE.

 

Swimming Style: The odd few lengths here and there (swimming in twos to make it more awkward for the rest of us), before stopping dead in the middle of one lane to simply STAND there, chatting. Bang in the middle of EVERYONE trying to swim around them. An explanation is never given.

 

Most likely to talk to: Each other, and nobody else. In their own language.

 

Tattoos: Something (you will never know what) written in some language (you will never know) down the forearm. Possibly gang symbols, possibly just names. Who knows?

 

THE REALLY BAD SWIMMERS

 

These men (it's always men. Always.) usually swim on their own. Except "swimming" is the loosest term possibly - these men thrash up and down like epileptic otters, take about 25 minutes to complete 1 length, and constantly provoke worried looks from passing swimmers and lifeguards...... given that they look like they are about to drown at any given second. And they are always bald.

 

Swimming Style: Best described as "backstroke combined with child trying to ward off a hornet attack," or "doggy paddle with at least 16 extra kicks per second."

 

Most likely to talk to: Absolutely nobody. Apart from the person who will one day grab their wrist to save them from drowning.

 

Tattoos: None. These people shouldn't even leave the house. And probably don't, apart from to come "swimming."

 

THE OLD GUYS

 

These men do actually swim, (in the Slow lane) but chatting to each other all the way. About friends from the pub, something their friend said in the pub, a football match they watched in the pub last week, or the new barmaid in the pub. In short, they may be the nicest people in the world, but their conversations make you want to cut your own ears off.

 

Swimming Style: Unlike 85% of the people in the pool, these actually attempt to exercise. They do laps with the fitness of military men gone to seed, but dammit they still try.

 

Most likely to talk to: Each other. Or the Middle-Aged Single Mums, to catch up with them about mutual acquaintances.

 

Tattoos: Several EXTREMELY faded words/pictures that are so blurred, they essentially just resemble grey smears - being that they were acquired circa 1942.

 

THE MODERATE EXERCISERS

 

Featuring yours truly! These swimmers are here for the Long Haul. Constantly despairing about the small capacity of the pool (and the idiots who barely even USE it), longing for more room to REALLY let fly, and compiling lists like these in their heads to pass the time.

 

Swimming Style: Relentlessly back and forth, varying strokes, desperate to reach a pre-determined goal (50 laps in 1 hour). Will stop for a break every 10 laps, feel absolutely fantastic for being there, and will only leave the pool when physically dragged out by impatient other half.

 

Most likely to talk to: Each other, if only to complain about the packed capacity of the pool, or congratulate each other on laps done/records beaten.

 

Tattoos: Given that I only have myself in this category to take examples from, I may have to come back to you on this one.

 

THE HARDCORES

 

There's hardly a description for these types, as they swim so damn fast, you can barely even SEE them. These men/women (you never can tell) are here on BUSINESS, they stick to the Fast Lane for the entire session and there isn't a single thing that will stop them from thrashing out about 100 lengths in the space of an hour. And they would still worry that they hadn't beaten their record.

 

Swimming Style: Olympic. End of.

 

Most likely to talk to: Absolutely nobody. Because talking would disturb their rhythm, brah.

 

Tattoos: Do they actually have any? Nobody knows. They swim too fast.

 

 

Svelte Swimmers!

GAIN: 4 POUNDS

Dear Diary,

Yeah, you read that right. For some mad, unknown reason, when it got to Monday's weigh-in at Group, I had gained 4 pounds. I heard every theory possible from everybody...... from "pre-menstrual water retention" (a little bit early, haha!) and "muscle gain from all the swimming", to "my "body catching up from the alcoholic excesses of last week." I barely heard any of it, to be honest - I was too busy being upset. But it was different this time, I was more determined than weepy - and immediately called Joel to come and pick me up (feeling that nothing could be gained from staying at Group) and take me straight to the gym to put in an hour before Skype-ing the girls. Which, I definitely thing was the better option!

Incidentally, we found out that evening that - according to Louise's infamous spreadsheet - it has almost been a year since we all started Slimming World! So we're planning to all weigh ourselves at home next week, and whatever weight comes up, that will be our "One Year Weight." Good plan, right? Well, in theory, given that my scales have suddenly decided to spaz out and stop working..... May have to try the Asda pharmacy!

As for the rest of this week - things have been going well so far, I think. Haven't had any slip-ups or binges.... have stuck RELENTLESSLY to healthy eating and avoided hot chocolates at work. And the even better news is that Sian's mum got in touch with me, to tell me that her hen do (this Saturday) is going to take place at Panama Hatty's, and the theme is 40's. So, not only can I dig out one of my most flattering dresses (see below), but also I got the chance to read the menu and plan my meal in advance! Have chosen Anchovies on toast to start (anchovies on crostini with chopped tomatoes and onions) and Salmon Ristotto for main. And, of course, NO PUDDING!! Going to try and steer clear of alcohol of course, but it's me. And one of my best friends. And a hen party. What else can happen? Just going to do my best, and try and at least order low-syn drinks, if not ALL Diet Cokes.

 

The dress!

 

 

Swimming this week has been MAGNIFICENT. Thanks to a promise Joel and I made last week, we've been taking full advantage of the pool in our gym, not just on Friday's like we used to - but EVERY NIGHT. The plan was to do 50 lengths a night (it's only open for an hour), which has so far gone well! It's hard as anything, but feels totally worth it once you get going. Last night it was only open for half an hour, so was going to just stick to 25 lengths - until I got a text from Louise proclaiming that I should "try for 30 - I want to see you sweat, O'Connor!" And try I did - not only did I hit 31 lengths, but the exercise also seemed to fix my knee, which I pulled on Tuesday.

 

Swimming really is magnificent though, can't believe how long it took me to start doing it properly again! The only thing that dampened it slightly was the reaction I got from the gym-bunny friend at work - who couldn't believe I'd given up the gym for a week "just to swim." That really irritated me - swimming totally helps you lose weight! And it doesn't "just tone your body" (as he claimed), but it's low impact, easier, more pleasant, you use your whole body AND burns up to 500 calories an hour. And that's just MODERATE swimming, really caning it can burn up to 700! I'd have to be in the gym for 3 HOURS to burn that amount! If anything else, swimming's been named as the 2nd best exercise possible! He needs to read a goddamn book.

 

Not to mention it's therapeutic, too! I can't tell you how much I forget all my trivial little problems and worries when I'm thrashing my way up and down the pool. I even came up with a little analogy last night, whilst somewhere around the 26th length.

See, it occurred to me, that starting to swim again was like getting a tattoo. You decide you want to go for it, you start it off, the first few minutes hurt like hell, and you find yourself wondering why it seemed like a good idea. After the next few lengths, you realise there's still a long way to go, and there's no point bitching about it. By the time you hit halfway, you've set your mind to the task - you know you're in it for the long haul...... and whilst the pain is still there, you're resigned to it, and are even able to ignore it. By the last stretch, the pain is non-existent, the feelings are pleasant, and all you can think about are the bragging rights you've earned. And by the end? Well, you're drained, exhausted and achy, but by god, you know you're going to end up with a beautiful result :-)

 

Yeah, it's corny, I know! Anyway, I'm off again to the pool in 10 minutes, so better get my cossie ready!

 

Xxxx

 

Katie the Water-baby

GAIN: 1 POUND

Dear Diary,

Seriously, I have the luck of the devil. After a very well-behaved week, I sadly threw it all away on Friday..... or so I thought! In the grand tradition of Payday, I went out for lunch with workmates at our nearest and dearest cocktail bar (refused alcohol and had a Caesar salad!) - and then out for "just a few." And, as anyone who knows me can testify, it is never "just a few" with me. In my defence though, I haven't had a night out in about 3 months! And I swear, you haven't LIVED until you've tried a Zombie from a Hawaiian bar.

Unfortunately the night ended up at a house party in a student accommodation somewhere (it all became a bit of a blur after that) - leaving me with a chronic 2-day hangover. On the plus side though, even if this makes me feel INCREDIBLY old, at least it means I have a smaller capacity than I used to - I guess Slimming World is really working!

So yeah, never thought I'd say this about a Gain, but I am THRILLED. Thrilled to have got away with a mere 1 pound set-back - and full of determination for the week ahead. And excited too - for if, by some miracle, I actually SURPASS the 2 pound loss needed before Sian's hen party to get me to my 1.5 Stone, then I can always aim for my Club 10!

That's all to report this week, really. It was my day off today, so to keep the good feeling going I made a HUGE salad for lunch and went swimming (apparently there's an Adult Swim hour between 12-1pm on Tuesdays). The salad was FIT - consisting of lettuce, peppers, red onions, spring onions, new potatoes, pasta, chicken and light dressing, and as for the swimming - I DID 40 LENGTHS!!! That's the most I've done in one session since HIGH SCHOOL, definitely feeling the burn now though.

So, apart from that, not much to report since we last spoke. No temptations coming up this week - potential trip down South with Joel's dad and brother if I can get the day off work, but should be able to choose a healthy option at a pub lunch. And there's nothing social after that until the 24th, so keep everything crossed! If I can just get 2 pounds off by next week, I'll be a very happy bunny!

Xxxxx

More good news!

LOSS: 3.5 POUNDS

Dear Diary,

SURPRISE!! Yes, in a move anticipated by Louise's spreadsheet (but not me!) I have had the "Big Loss" I was due. It seems there's a lot to be said for looking at Slimming the mathematical way! According to the law of averages (I'm guessing..... maths really isn't my strong suit), apparently I have periods where I'll lose a huge chunk, then gain half of it back, then bob around 1 pound/half a pound losses for a couple of weeks, gain again, and then have another massive loss. So there you have it - the spreadsheet has spoken!
So, in honour of my mathematical friend (who recently became a qualified actuary!), here's a quick numbers update:

STARTING WEIGHT: 17st 5lbs
STARTING WEIGHT IN KGS: 110.2kgs
STARTING WEIGHT IN LBS: 243lbs
STARTING BMI: 35.9

CURRENT WEIGHT: 15st 13lbs
CURRENT WEIGHT IN KGS: 101kgs
CURRENT WEIGHT IN LBS: 223lbs
CURRENT BMI: 32.9

WEIGHT LOST: 1st 6lbs
KILOGRAMS LOST: 9.2kgs
POUNDS LOST: 20
PERCENTAGE OF BODY WEIGHT LOST: 8.2%
BMI DECREASE: 3
So as you can see, I'm only 1 pound off my Stone and a Half (again)! Let's just have a little look at the goals I set a while back:

"..... and together we worked out that if I lose a pound and a half a week, that should put me back to my 1.5 Stone by the Tattoo convention in August (irrelevant, but I like to have milestones!), 2 Stone by Sian's wedding/France in September, 2.5 Stone by my birthday in October, and 3 Stone by Christmas!"

Well, the good news there, is that whilst I haven't EXACTLY hit the first goal, I'm not a million miles away. In fact, I'm only a pound away. So, you know what? I'll take it! I've missed three things out, though - two events and a goal. The events being Sian's Hen Party and Joel's 30th birthday..... and the goal being my Club 10 (which falls a mere 4 pounds away at 15st 9lbs). And with CLASSIC timing, Sian's hen do falls on the 24th of August, slap-bang in the middle of the Tattoo Convention and the Wedding/France holiday! So, that's my next goal. As for Joel's 30th, while his BIRTHDAY falls on the 2nd of September, the actual party is going to be later, on the 28th. So, at least if I haven't hit the 2 Stone mark by France, I can always aim for the Party!

TO SUMMARISE:

1.5 Stone by Tattoo Convention - 3rd August
Club 10 by Sian's Hen Party - 24th August
2 Stone by Sian's Wedding - 15th September
2 Stone by France holiday - 20th September (if previous goal is not met)
2 Stone by Joel's 30th - 29th September (if previous goal is not met)
2.5 Stone by my 27th - 23rd October
3 Stone by Christmas - 25th December (giving me 2 MONTHS to keep it together and allow for any mishaps)

Now, if THAT doesn't give me incentives to plan for, I don't know what WILL. I'm excited just looking at it! And let's face it, I've already had a pretty sweet head-start recently - I mean, an 8 pounds in 3 weeks loss feels pretty goddamned good to me! Not to mention I can colour in more segments on the summer "Half Stone Challenge" Joan set us a while ago:

I'm surprised I did THAT well this week, usually after such a big loss I tend to Maintain for a while or have a slight gain. But I'm guessing the four gym sessions we had this week, plus swimming (and I'm talking HARDCORE swimming, not the half-arsed dandle-about-in-the-shallow-end-and-chat approach that other gym members seem to take), plus the six hours SOLID spent walking around the GMEX in town on Saturday probably did their part! The six hours walking round the GMEX was for the Tattoo Convention. Really, it could have been done in about an hour, or two at most - but people kept arriving and setting stands up throughout the day, so there were always more acts to watch, tattoos to look at, competitions to enter and portfolios to see!

How fantastic is THIS? I love a good twist on an old classic!

Sadly (or luckily, given my impulsive nature!) I couldn't afford to take any money with me - so all the cool necklaces, bracelets, souvenirs, books, magazines and actual spur-of-the-moment tattoos had to wait until next year. But we saw some incredible artwork (on paper and people!), familiar faces from my tattoo studio in their own booth, and some groovy circus acts. Not to mention we went for a good old traditional Free meal at Tampopos!

Unfortunately, I was struck down with a rather fierce bout of flu on Sunday - so wasn't able to go to work OR stay for Image Therapy at Group last night. But thanks to a very patient chauffeur Joel, I was able to quickly run in and get weighed..... plus some Hi Fi bars for the week! I should've stayed at home, I know, but I was desperate not to spend an entire week getting sketchy, unreliable results from my are-they-or-aren't-they-accurate? scales at home. But I weighed myself before I went, so can at least now be safe in the knowledge that my home scales are exactly 1 pound ahead of the Slimming World scales!

Texted Auntie Pam and Mum the good news - both thrilled. Mum's on a cycling holiday with Dad in France at the moment so unable to come to Group..... but they Face-Timed me a few days ago to show me the villa they were staying at, and apparently none of their friends recognised me at first, because I've lost weight! That's the most common thing people say to me now, "oooh, you can tell it's come off your face!" Which is great, but why can't it come off my stomach or thighs or arms instead?? Grrr.

Going to given the Gym a miss tonight, just to make fully sure I'm recovered before I start back on it tomorrow - I'm aching like buggery so it's probably for the best. To be fair, I probably sweated AT LEAST 2 out of the 3.5 pounds I lost by tossing and turning all Sunday night, twisting the bed sheets into ropes and not eating a thing all Monday. That said, I'm much better than I was yesterday, so one more day should do it. Can't wait - when I'm at home all evening I get terrible urges to snack constantly. That's why I've also applied to volunteer at the Bury Deaf Centre (this is a career-helping move too, I should probably admit!) and for a place in the Manchester Show Choir, who are apparently recruiting in September.

Watch this space!

Xxxxx

PS: Found this on the SW Facebook page this morning. Seems apt!

Average Aftermath

Dear Diary,

This week's been kind of blah, weight loss-wise. The good news is, I Maintained on Monday. The bad news is I found a set of scales hidden away in the spare room, and have fallen into the trap of obsessively weighing myself every day. At least I have now full proof of the theory that we weigh less in the morning than we do at night! And the results are showing brilliantly - even though they fluctuate from day to day, they all have one common denominator..... THEY ARE LESS THAN WHAT I WEIGHED LAST WEEK. Showing a few cheeky zeros, even bobbing UNDER the stone below, whatever Monday's results are going to be, it's looking good so far!

What other news from this week? Saturday was good, Joel and I went to Bury market to collect a ton of fresh fish and meat, so that's a load of healthy teas sorted for the next few weeks! Also went to visit Grandma on Sunday with Auntie Pam and had a lovely pub lunch - mine consisted of Chicken breast in a "reduced" red wine (whatever THAT means) with mashed potato and spinach:

Unfortunately my starter was a small goat's cheese with rocket and a red onion tartlet - but I had a few Syns saved, and dessert/drinks were avoided!
The problem is, I had an absolutely HORRIBLE shock back at Grandma's. Whilst helping with some garden work and shifting things about, I happened to pass a range of photos in the room leading to her conservatory. And, stopping to look at Grandma's old headshot from her acting days, I noticed this monstrosity:

 

Completely forgotten we'd given her a copy of this photo. I haven't even seen the original since 2008. But staring at that huge girl in the photo, with chunky arms and two chins, I almost felt sick. And all I could think to myself was; "no matter how little I've lost so far, at least I look better than THAT."

 

Had a VERY big helping hand from Auntie Pam when she dropped us off home that afternoon, as well - in the form of a GORGEOUS, hot pink little number:

 

It's a Food and Fitness Diary! Available at M + S (shameless plug, I know, but you NEED this baby in your life), it's got sections for Shopping Lists, Weekly meal planners, Food Diaries, and Exercise Diaries. One of the BEST presents I've ever got - especially in my new organised phase (which, by the by, is still going strong!)

 

Meals this week have been VERY good - chicken and mushroom casserole, lean mince burgers and SW chips, fat-removed ribs and rice..... plus my lunches have been great too. My only drawback has been a recently acquired Quavers hobby - but at 5 Syns (and 88 calories) a pack, it's nothing that can't be reconfigured with a few hearty gym sessions!

Oooh, speaking of which, I have been absolutely SPANKING it at the gym recently! Fell into a slight lapse where I'd only go for half an hour a night and put in a half-arsed effort on the weights, instead of pushing my cardio work. But last night, SH!T. GOT. REAL. Make the (rather delightful) mistake of climbing on the cross-trainer straight after somebody else, and after 10 minutes of non-stop (for the first time, I might add!) heavy exercise, looked down and discovered that I'd forgotten to change the difficulty level to one. FROM EIGHT. Not only had I managed to clear 10 full minutes WITHOUT stopping for a breather, I'd managed to do so on a level SEVEN ABOVE MY USUAL!! How great is that?!

As a little aside, a FANTASTIC gym song that I can't stop listening to every time I hit the cross-trainer, is "Hey Baby (Drop it to the floor)" by Pitbull ft. T-Pain. A pounding, catchy, thumping monster of a track, it has a constant beat to keep time to - and it's remix with Salt n Peppa and the Black Eyed Peas ("Hey Baby, Push the Time) brings back memories of holidaying in Turkey with the girls, where I first heard it..... Not to mention those by-the-pool photos of me in a cossie were incentive enough to drop the pounds!

After the gym, we came out into the blazing sunshine, absolutely chock-full of endorphins and excitement at pushing past my usual capabilities - hadn't had such a good buzz-on from the gym in ages. I even had NECK SWEAT!! I have NEVER sweated on my neck before!!

I'll leave you with a fantastic quote acquired from a gym-bunny friend at work today:

"Sweat is your Fat, crying. It's upset, you see - it doesn't want to leave your body. So, you get your ass in that gym and make that bitch wail!"

Xxxxx