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Dear Diary,

GODDAMN, I love the gym.

Got back tonight from our first ever session and OH MY GOD. I loved every last, breathless, sweaty, exhausting moment of it! I used to sneer at people who said they loved the gym, or look at them with contempt, I'm ashamed to say. But it's like sex - first you're afraid of it, then you try it, hate it, and then the endorphins kick in afterwards, making it wonderful (although that may have just been my experience! I'm sure no-one else was actually ever SCARED of sex)

The machines I enjoy the most are definitely the leg press, the arm-rasiser thing, the one where you spread your legs and work out your thighs, and the bikes. I think I'm best at the ones where you work the biceps, as I always had very good upper-body strength. As for the rest, well, first I need to actually remember the names and their functions before naming any on here - but suffice to say I had a wicked time.

For the first time EVER in any form of exercise, I well and truly realised what I was there for - and pushed myself harder than ever. For once I didn't care what Joel, or any of the other gym-goers thought. I sweated, I gasped, I avoided my reflection and played my music loud enough to block out any "Oh my god, I look so FAT!!!" thoughts. Actually, I found that playing music really focused my thoughts, and helped me keep in time with the machine rhythms I'd set myself, which definately helped!

The pool was absolutely heaven, too - definitely a chance to cool off, slow my heart rate and enjoy myself whilst leisurely drifting along to Smooth FM, which apparently, you can't turn off in that building. Was a little worried about my tattoo - but got told by another member (being that 95% of them are inked themselves) that a mere 2 hours a week's exposure to chlorine shouldn't harm it, as long as I shower afterwards. So that's good news!

Seriously though - afterwards I was practically floating home on a wave of natural endorphins. I felt incredible - I'd always thought that endorphins were something that the companies made up to encourage you to eat more chocolate, or use their gyms. But it would seem they're real! It felt amazing to get such a rush from something I once dreaded, and I felt tons better. The day's aches, pains and frustrations from work were all pounded and hammered and expelled through every last drop of sweat. For once, I didn't feel self-concious, but simply glorified in every single stinking, breathless, gross, sweaty moment.

Can't wait to go again and get more Body Magic under my belt! Who'd have thought I'd be looking forward to EXERCISING? Now I know Slimming World has me in their grip!

Gym bunnies

Dear Diary,

Today, Joel and I made the best decision of our lives. We are going to join a gym.

Now, to anyone reading this, it probably isn't that big news. Hell, maybe you already go to a gym, and are merely sat there thinking; "Welcome to the party, pal." But it's a big deal for me. I tried a gym about 4 years ago, before I met Joel, back when I lived at home. But I never seemed to lose any weight, or even ache too much the next day - clearly I was going about it all wrong.

This evening, we had an induction at the gym up the road - conviniently located next to a Macdonalds, a chippy, a Greggs and a Subway, just to make things harder! But they have an offer on where if you join before February (as part of a New Year deal) - it's only £20 a month to use the gym AND THE POOL!! Could a better gym EXIST?!

Ecstatically, we were shown around said gym and pool, shown all the equipment and their functions. Must say, the space at the back of the gym looking slightly scary - huge, tattooed, heavily-muscled men in vests who look like they could bench ME, working out prison yard-style and shouting threats/encouragement at each other. But it was nice to see other overweight women there, and I couldn't help but feel proud of myself for taking such a big step towards improvement.

I'd dying to start. We're out tomorrow night, so we're going to have to wait until Thursday to start, but I'm already buzzing about trying all the equipment and making regimes/timetables for myself.

xxxxxx

Post-Christmas blues

Dear Diary,

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Over Christmas we lost a family member (my Auntie's partner, David) to throat cancer, which frankly made me forget all about the diet, and all about Slimming World. I cried a lot, drank heavily at the wake, and re-emerged myself in junk food once more - telling myself that some 26 year-old overweight girl was completely meaningless against the devastating pain of losing a loved one. My weight problems seemed completely insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I didn't see any point in continuing. I was alive, and healthy, and felt like I had nothing to complain about, really.

But then I thought about it more. Yes, I'm alive, but that doesn't mean I should spend the rest of my days unhappy with myself. And while I may be healthy "on the surface," I knew deep down that inside, I'm not healthy at all. Just because I've never had a blood test doesn't mean I probably don't have hig pressure. Just because I've never asked the doctor doesn't mean I probably don't have high cholesterol. Me burying my head in the sand didn't mean that I probably don't have problems that really should be dealt with. So I decided that I owe it to myself and get healthy and happy. Life is WAY too short sometimes, and I wanted to spend it the right size, shape and weight for me.

David's situation gave me a new outlook on things. He's made me appreciate Life much more, and made me want to better myself, and be the best person I can be, while I'm here.
So I did more things I wanted to do, and changed my habits to become more productive, creative and organised. I got my first ever tattoo - one I've been wanting for ages, but with a slight change to the design: it included a Charlie Chaplin quote I'd read at David's funeral, as part of a eulogy.

 



I also started using a diary (one of his, actually) to become more organised. I go out a lot more and make an effort to see my friends more often. Joel and I are going to join a gym next week. And I've put loads more time and hard work into the book I'm working on.
And best of all - I've got back into Slimming World.

This week I lost 1 POUND, not much, I know, but I'll take anything I can get now, as long as it's off. Because now I know how short life is, I'd going to dedicate it to making myself feel good, making my parents proud, and achieving my dream through utter determination.


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Dedicated to the memory of David Arthur Girdlestone,

one of the funniest men I've ever known